Talking it Through
Talking it Through
Transcript
As a general rule, we human beings aren't very good proofreaders of our own understanding. When we write an essay, for example, we can read and review it a few times and we can generally make some useful edits. But when another person reads and reviews our work, they immediately see possibilities we never saw, they instantly spot mistakes that remained invisible to us, and they can usually help us improve our work in ways we would never have identified on our own.
That is why we seek out teachers, coaches, teammates, partners, and mentors. Their knowledge, unique perspectives, and feedback can enrich our understanding of a situation and help us make sounder, more productive choices. They help us see and consider things we can't-- or sometimes don't want to-- see and consider on our own.
As part of any intentional decision-making process, it's a good idea to connect with people who know you well, who have your best interests in mind, and ideally who know more than you do or who know something different than you do about the decision you're trying to make.
It is almost certain that you are not the first person in the world to make a particular decision. It is much more likely that many people in your own life have tackled similar discernment processes and made similar choices to the one you are considering. Reach out to them. Ask them questions. Find out from them where they struggled, what roadblocks they encountered, and what resources were most helpful to them. And of course, find out what decision they ultimately made and how that decision has played out for them.
When making a tough choice, there is no need to reinvent the wheel, and there is no need to work in isolation. Instead, look for people who made similar decisions, learn from their process, and turn their hindsight into your foresight.
I think it's also worth acknowledging here that not all advice you receive will be good advice, and that's OK. Learn what you can from everyone, and start to listen for commonalities and points of consensus among various perspectives. If you start to feel that someone doesn't have your best interests in mind, or that they have ulterior motives for giving you the advice that they're giving, listen anyway, be kind and polite, and see if there's something to be learned.
And as you begin to identify your true champions and your most valuable interlocutors, build those relationships and keep those folks close to your process. It will become clear pretty quickly who is interested in evangelizing you to their own point of view and who is interested in helping you make the best decision for you. Try to learn what you can from the former, but privilege the counsel of the latter.
I think it's important to remind you that it is possible-- perhaps even likely-- that someone may provide you with some constructive criticism during this process that's uncomfortable or that feels critical or that challenges you in ways you'd rather not be challenged. Before writing that person off as an enemy of your process, try as best you can to determine whether or not there is something of value in the feedback you've received.
It's all very nice when someone upholds and affirms us, but there is tremendous value in working with someone who's prepared to be honest with you, even when that honesty creates some discomfort. Candid feedback can be a little hard to process, but it's often precious, and it can be difficult to find someone who's willing to offer it.
This is especially true if you're deciding whether or not to pursue higher education. I can guarantee you that colleges and universities will not be shy about providing you with honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. So it's worthwhile to partner with someone who can provide you with that kind of feedback before schools do. By seeking candid feedback proactively, you afford yourself the opportunity to respond proactively rather than reactively.
One final note. As veterans and transitioning service members, there are many people out there who will want to help you, and there are countless resources, including this one, aimed at supporting you in your discernment process.
This is all wonderful, but it can also be a little overwhelming. Do not drown in the sea of goodwill. Instead, find your people, build your team, take what you need, take what's helpful, and leave the rest.
That is why we seek out teachers, coaches, teammates, partners, and mentors. Their knowledge, unique perspectives, and feedback can enrich our understanding of a situation and help us make sounder, more productive choices. They help us see and consider things we can't-- or sometimes don't want to-- see and consider on our own.
As part of any intentional decision-making process, it's a good idea to connect with people who know you well, who have your best interests in mind, and ideally who know more than you do or who know something different than you do about the decision you're trying to make.
It is almost certain that you are not the first person in the world to make a particular decision. It is much more likely that many people in your own life have tackled similar discernment processes and made similar choices to the one you are considering. Reach out to them. Ask them questions. Find out from them where they struggled, what roadblocks they encountered, and what resources were most helpful to them. And of course, find out what decision they ultimately made and how that decision has played out for them.
When making a tough choice, there is no need to reinvent the wheel, and there is no need to work in isolation. Instead, look for people who made similar decisions, learn from their process, and turn their hindsight into your foresight.
I think it's also worth acknowledging here that not all advice you receive will be good advice, and that's OK. Learn what you can from everyone, and start to listen for commonalities and points of consensus among various perspectives. If you start to feel that someone doesn't have your best interests in mind, or that they have ulterior motives for giving you the advice that they're giving, listen anyway, be kind and polite, and see if there's something to be learned.
And as you begin to identify your true champions and your most valuable interlocutors, build those relationships and keep those folks close to your process. It will become clear pretty quickly who is interested in evangelizing you to their own point of view and who is interested in helping you make the best decision for you. Try to learn what you can from the former, but privilege the counsel of the latter.
I think it's important to remind you that it is possible-- perhaps even likely-- that someone may provide you with some constructive criticism during this process that's uncomfortable or that feels critical or that challenges you in ways you'd rather not be challenged. Before writing that person off as an enemy of your process, try as best you can to determine whether or not there is something of value in the feedback you've received.
It's all very nice when someone upholds and affirms us, but there is tremendous value in working with someone who's prepared to be honest with you, even when that honesty creates some discomfort. Candid feedback can be a little hard to process, but it's often precious, and it can be difficult to find someone who's willing to offer it.
This is especially true if you're deciding whether or not to pursue higher education. I can guarantee you that colleges and universities will not be shy about providing you with honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses. So it's worthwhile to partner with someone who can provide you with that kind of feedback before schools do. By seeking candid feedback proactively, you afford yourself the opportunity to respond proactively rather than reactively.
One final note. As veterans and transitioning service members, there are many people out there who will want to help you, and there are countless resources, including this one, aimed at supporting you in your discernment process.
This is all wonderful, but it can also be a little overwhelming. Do not drown in the sea of goodwill. Instead, find your people, build your team, take what you need, take what's helpful, and leave the rest.