The Single Greatest Thing You Can Do
The Single Greatest Thing You Can Do
Transcript
Absolutely, we cannot do this alone. By ourselves as individuals, we are not very good. We cannot lift heavy weights by ourselves. And we cannot solve complex problems by ourselves. But in groups, we are remarkable.
And so all of this stuff, whether it's life, whether it's whatever your job was in the service, whatever your job is out of the service, whether it's finding a new job, whether it's making your way, finding out what your passion is-- all of these things are incredibly difficult. They're all incredibly complicated. And the person who thinks that they can tackle any of these problems by themselves is a fool-- plain old, you're a fool. You cannot. I'm going to tell you, you cannot do it alone.
And so asking for help is perhaps the greatest single thing anyone can ever learn, especially where everything is new and the stresses are different and often feel overwhelming and scary, totally unfamiliar. And the longer you are in the service, the scarier it is, because you had 15 years doing one thing, knowing one thing, learning a culture.
And now, not only is it new. People don't even understand what you did and what you know. The military is one of the most misunderstood cultures in the world. It's so closed and insular that people just don't know it. So you're dealing with that as well.
And so to ask for help in any form is brilliant. This is the single thing that completely transformed my own culture. I had a small business. I quit my job and started my own marketing consultancy a bunch of years ago. And for a few years, I ran on force of personality, and it was great.
But then, if you have a little bit of success, force of personality doesn't work anymore. And all of a sudden, things started crashing in around me, because I couldn't do it all. And I thought I had to know all the answers. And if I didn't, I pretended that I did, because I thought that's what I had to do. And I learned the very, very hard way, where I came-- it was a dark period that I had to learn to ask for help.
And it turns out I was surrounded by people who wanted to help me. They just didn't, because they didn't know I wanted it or needed it. And it was the willingness to ask for it or accept it that transformed my life and put me on the path that I'm on now. Now, I'm really open about-- I can tell you stuff I'm really good at. And I'll tell you, I'm good at that. And I'll tell you, I am not good at that. I need help with that. If I'm struggling, or if I'm stuck, if I'm confused, I say, can I ask you? I call up friends. I call up people, mentors, and say, I need your help. Can you help me?
And here's what I've learned about the building of trust. We don't build trust by offering people our help. We build trust by asking people for help. That's what actually creates trust, because it's an expression of vulnerability, right? It allows people to offer us safety and protection. And that's an act of service for the other person, which is honorable.
So I have this problem with the military, where I will go do pro bono stuff. So if I do pro bono stuff in the business world, they just take and take and take and take and take until I have to put my hands up and be like, we're done. All right? That's just the mentality of the business world.
The military, I have the opposite problem, which is I'll do one thing pro bono, and I'll never hear from them ever again. And I know the reason. It's because they don't want to appear like they're taking advantage. So they don't call.
So I reframe it for them. I say, do you realize that when I get to come and work with you guys, I'm not here for the money, clearly, neither of us are. I said, this is an opportunity for me to serve my country. So when you don't call me, you're denying me the opportunity to serve my country. So are you going to call me? They go, absolutely. Right? Because now it's a gift.
It's the same thing. When you ask someone for help, you're giving them the opportunity to serve. And especially with people who you may have come through the ranks with, that's in their DNA. They're service-minded. So asking for help is something that they want to do.
So I would say one of the biggest things anyone can do is not just practice offering help. I think that's the lower standard. I think that's the easy one. I think the more important one is the practice asking for it.
And so all of this stuff, whether it's life, whether it's whatever your job was in the service, whatever your job is out of the service, whether it's finding a new job, whether it's making your way, finding out what your passion is-- all of these things are incredibly difficult. They're all incredibly complicated. And the person who thinks that they can tackle any of these problems by themselves is a fool-- plain old, you're a fool. You cannot. I'm going to tell you, you cannot do it alone.
And so asking for help is perhaps the greatest single thing anyone can ever learn, especially where everything is new and the stresses are different and often feel overwhelming and scary, totally unfamiliar. And the longer you are in the service, the scarier it is, because you had 15 years doing one thing, knowing one thing, learning a culture.
And now, not only is it new. People don't even understand what you did and what you know. The military is one of the most misunderstood cultures in the world. It's so closed and insular that people just don't know it. So you're dealing with that as well.
And so to ask for help in any form is brilliant. This is the single thing that completely transformed my own culture. I had a small business. I quit my job and started my own marketing consultancy a bunch of years ago. And for a few years, I ran on force of personality, and it was great.
But then, if you have a little bit of success, force of personality doesn't work anymore. And all of a sudden, things started crashing in around me, because I couldn't do it all. And I thought I had to know all the answers. And if I didn't, I pretended that I did, because I thought that's what I had to do. And I learned the very, very hard way, where I came-- it was a dark period that I had to learn to ask for help.
And it turns out I was surrounded by people who wanted to help me. They just didn't, because they didn't know I wanted it or needed it. And it was the willingness to ask for it or accept it that transformed my life and put me on the path that I'm on now. Now, I'm really open about-- I can tell you stuff I'm really good at. And I'll tell you, I'm good at that. And I'll tell you, I am not good at that. I need help with that. If I'm struggling, or if I'm stuck, if I'm confused, I say, can I ask you? I call up friends. I call up people, mentors, and say, I need your help. Can you help me?
And here's what I've learned about the building of trust. We don't build trust by offering people our help. We build trust by asking people for help. That's what actually creates trust, because it's an expression of vulnerability, right? It allows people to offer us safety and protection. And that's an act of service for the other person, which is honorable.
So I have this problem with the military, where I will go do pro bono stuff. So if I do pro bono stuff in the business world, they just take and take and take and take and take until I have to put my hands up and be like, we're done. All right? That's just the mentality of the business world.
The military, I have the opposite problem, which is I'll do one thing pro bono, and I'll never hear from them ever again. And I know the reason. It's because they don't want to appear like they're taking advantage. So they don't call.
So I reframe it for them. I say, do you realize that when I get to come and work with you guys, I'm not here for the money, clearly, neither of us are. I said, this is an opportunity for me to serve my country. So when you don't call me, you're denying me the opportunity to serve my country. So are you going to call me? They go, absolutely. Right? Because now it's a gift.
It's the same thing. When you ask someone for help, you're giving them the opportunity to serve. And especially with people who you may have come through the ranks with, that's in their DNA. They're service-minded. So asking for help is something that they want to do.
So I would say one of the biggest things anyone can do is not just practice offering help. I think that's the lower standard. I think that's the easy one. I think the more important one is the practice asking for it.